Wow, Aeris just used an emoticon.  Observe the evidence of her intarweb savvy:
http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z127/hyperionwitch/4-6-aerisemoticon.jpg

Isn’t it nice that you can steal from baby birds?  I just think that’s fantastic.  I also can’t figure out why Red was acting weird.  I am guessing he wanted to eat them.  I can see no other explanation.

All magic is just delightful.  I have All-Ice equipped on Red and, in two turns, he can take down five monsters.  Without help.  That is just awesome.  I’m so glad All levelled up so I can use it more than once.  Talk about useful–I mean, it’s good for All-Cure, but offensively it is wonderful.

There is a man in a little secret cave near the base of the mountain.  There are some items in his cave, but all the guy himself does is complain about not being able to do anything because his bulldozer is broken.  I feel…this means I can help him.  I don’t actually think this is a side-quest, but it’s sure set up like one.  Squaresoft, you ought to know better.  Putting a man in a secret cave and having him complain of his seemingly fixable troubles is far too indicative of a side-quest to not put one in.

Alright, made it to Corel and everyone was all weepy and emo and such.  Blah blah.

More importantly, I got to the Gold Saucer.  I had to go make money to get in (stupid 3000 gil for a day pass), but I got there.  And I met Cait Sith.  Now, Cait Sith is pretty dang cool, yeah?  Obnoxious and silly and has an awesome theme…but when he demands to go with you and then walks into Cloud (as do all party members) while he protests “H-hey…!”, it kind of seems like rape or something.  Seriously.  He walks into him while he protests.  This seems suspect to me.

I find the people’s descriptions of Sephiroth very odd.  They say he is a black caped man with a 1 tattooed on his hand.  Two things, people.  He wears a trenchcoat, not a cape.  He has sleeves.  This is important.  Two, he wears gloves.  How in the world do they know about his tattoo?  I’m sure he’s not just going around flaunting that thing.  He probably doesn’t even think twice about people, much less flounce about waving his tattoo in people’s faces.

Well, I got down to the prison.  Not much to say here, except that I’m training Barret.  Stupid party requirement.  You know, I set out to make this game perfect, even levelled and everything.  I was gonna get all the items, get everyone’s limit breaks, everything.  And look how I’ve fallen.  Aeris is a good 5 levels behind and I am forcing myself to at least get Barret to 19 before running off.  How sad, how very sad.

…I’m over it.

I will pick back up at running off when I can.  I will be pretty busy the next few days.

Well, that whole “jumping into the line of marching soldiers” thing is obscenely difficult.  I’m glad you aren’t really penalized for sucking at it, because I’m not entirely sure how one is supposed to be good.  I mean, for one, it’s hard to tell where to run when the guy tells you to jump in, as the empty spot in the line is off screen.  And furthermore, you have to run to get there, not get caught on other soldiers, and then fall into step.  It’s tricky.  I am amazed when I can even get it right before you run out of time to try.  Whew.  Yet another weird, botched minigame.

Seeing all the banners and preparation for Rufus’ ceremony makes me wonder just how many days it took our party to make it to Junon.  I mean, it doesn’t seem that long to the player as time doesn’t pass and you are a giant lego figure on a tiny map.  But it must have actually been several days, as they already have huge, well-made banners declaring the “new age” of Shinra under President Rufus, plus there are scores of soldiers there marching, TV crews, etc.  If I didn’t know better, I would say Rufus wanted his father dead.  Sure, Sephiroth did it, but wouldn’t it be an interesting twist if Rufus was just waiting for it, had all of this parade business planned ahead of time?  He seems like the kind of person to do that.

Well, I figured I bombed the salute minigame–which is actually kind of fun because you have to think so fast (and I keep getting my directions mixed up on the computer’s directional arrows…)–but I got an HP Plus materia, so I’m not going to complain.  I like how Rufus just kind of laughs at you after you do the salute.  Like, he compliments you, but there he is.  He’s gotta be laughing behind his hand or something, like “oh geez, these guys are awful…”.  Heidegger, on the other hand, just GYA HAA HAs at you for no reason at all.  Well, except that you sucked and weren’t in time with the other two soldiers.

Unrelated note, Red slowly appearing from the background and then slowly disappearing is kind of a hilarious sight.  Good job, Red.

Aw sweetness.  I completely forgot Hojo resigned.  I mean, I knew he popped up in Costa del Sol later on, sunbathing with the ladies (because that’s where I’d look if I were looking for Hojo), and that he makes himself into a crazy beast later, but I forgot he actually resigned from Shinra.  Good for him.  That place is stifling for a free-spirited evil genius like him.

And we are off.  Sailor Barret!  Seeing everyone in disguises is truly amusing, though sailor Barret is by far the best outfit.  I kind of want to draw everyone in their outfits.  I can just picture Aeris looking really uncomfortable but very excited.  She’s such a kid sometimes.  …Though she mentioned something about wanting to ride in an airship some day.  I can’t remember, does she get to ride in the Highwind before she shuffles off the mortal coil?  I hope so, else that’s very depressing…

It occurs to me I should play this game like Cloud would actually be.  I keep answering all the girls’ questions nicely and such, but I am guessing he would actually just be an insensitive jerk.  He seems that type, and I know that type.  Then again…I don’t know, if I have the choice, I tend to not be mean to the characters in a game.  Oh well.  Someday I’ll play this accurately.  Perhaps a time when I have named the characters their proper names.

Aw, I forgot about Red dressing as a soldier.  Just look how well he’s doing.
http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z127/hyperionwitch/4-6-redbadhuman.jpg

Honestly, the picture doesn’t do it justice.  His little human dance is the best part about him.

Blah blah, boring JENOVA fight, Sephiroth shows up and acts wonky then FLIES AT YOU AND OUT OF THE ROOM LIKE NEO.  Ahaha, I forgot he could do that.

Now, Costa del Sol.  Party party time.  Cloud to Barret: “Ahhh…  You look like a bear wearing a marshmallow.”  Right on, Cloud, right on.  I hope you’re wearing a bullet vest.  (Though you can find Barret admiring himself in the sailor outfit in the mirror at the inn later…hmmm…)

And now that we’ve talked to creepy, tanning Hojo (while wearing a lab coat, no less), we are off to “head west” like he mumbled during our conversation.  …Costa del Sol is kind of useless…

Cloud’s flashback to the Nibelheim incident is so bizarre.  I basically know what the deal with Cloud is, but I’m VERY shaky on the details, so I can’t figure out what’s going on.  It’d be interesting to see this scene after recently beating the game.  I’m looking forward to that plot point now…

Zangan is a bizarre fellow.  He says that he travels around the world, teaching children martial arts.  Doesn’t that seem like an odd kind of profession?  Traveling martial artist?  I mean, it’s sweet.  But very odd, to me at least.  He has 128 students all over the world!  Good Lord.  How long does he stay with each?  Does he cycle around and check on them?  Does he finish teaching THEN go on?  I dunno how he could have that many students if he did that.  Perhaps he’s just a really good teacher.

Ooh.  Okay.  Sephiroth.  Now is a good time to say this, I think.  Now, this is a rather thought-out rant on the guy, but I feel it is a necessary one.  I feel very strongly about Sephiroth.

Now, I have a serious issue with this guy.  And my issue is not the kind of villain he is.  To be honest, looking back at him through this playthrough, his backstory and behavior are fantastic.  He’s this big-shot, hard-ass SOLDIER who everyone adores and admires.  And he’s all mysterious and cynical.  Then he gets to the Nibelheim reactor…and starts to question where he came from.  He knew JENOVA was his mother, and he nonspecific on his father.  He sees the Mako creations in the reactor and suddenly starts lashing out at the containers, demanding to know if Hojo created him this way, since he was an unusually created member of SOLDIER.  He locks himself up for a while, then he disappears to the Shinra mansion, finding the library in the basement and becoming engrossed in reading about JENOVA and the experiments done with Mako.  He realizes what he really is–a being produced from the cells of JENOVA, an “Ancient”–and it just twists his mind into this hellish scape.  He is convinced that those living on Earth are atrocities, lazy traitors to the Cetra who gave nothing back after taking their planet–which he now considers his planet.  You confront him and he accuses you of being one of these traitors.  Then he just stalks away from you, while this insane, foreboding music plays, and all he says is “Get out of my way.  I’m going to see my mother.”  The music swells.  Next thing you know, he burns Nibelheim to the ground, killing everyone in it.  He just walks away, heads to the reactor.  Now that, my friends, is epic.  Awful, horrible, just insane beyond all belief…but any relatively cool and badass character who becomes a disgustingly dark, just crazy as hell villain is automatically cooler than most.  I really could care less about his gigantic sword, absurd hair, or leather trenchcoat.  They are ultimately second to his 180 at this point in the game.

Now, he’s at the reactor and he steals JENOVA.  Nothing says crazy like kidnapping the weird, alien body of your “mother”.  He attacks a bunch of people; why?  Oh, because they’re there.  I mean, he burned the town down, he’s obviously not concerned with human life in the least.  After realizing that he should suck the life out of the planet with his mom and laugh crazily into space with the broken husk of Gaia as his rocket, I think he just kind of stopped worrying so much.  So Cloud stabs him.  I get a little fuzzy here, I don’t exactly remember what happens.  But Cloud stabs him.

Alright, that’s all well and good.  So all of a sudden, after five years, he pops up out of nowhere and kidnaps Jenova’s headless body from Shinra.  Then impales Shinra.  Then kills the Midgar Zolom.  Then shows up Junon.  Then tries to get the black materia and ends up stabbing Tseng.  He’s causing alllll kinds of havoc.  Finally, he beckons Cloud to bring the black materia to where he’s frozen.  Yes, frozen.  I don’t remember how he got there.  The important thing is, he controls someone else (which is always an excellent villain move) to free himself from his prison.  Next thing you know, BAM, Aeris is dead.  I mean, really.  He falls from the sky like some kind of hellish angel and stabs her in the stomach.  That’s how much he hates people who try to get up in his grill about wrecking the planet (keep in mind, please–it has been a while, so the order of those events might be somewhat…skewed, I don’t remember exactly what happened when or where).  Later, you find he’s rambling on about what he’s going to do with Meteor and JENOVA and all that.  He traipses up north to sacrifice alllll of his minions and raises his arms triumphantly to the sky.  One can just hear his voice as he preaches.  Crispin Freeman as Albedo in Xenosaga would be close to how Sephiroth sounds in my mind.  One moment, he is calm.  The next, his voice has raised to a feverish pitch as his eyes glow and he laughs the world to death.  Then, when you finally go face him, after watching everything fall apart around you, watching the WEAPON wreak havoc, Shinra bite the dust…Sephiroth takes his mental state one step further and makes his body match his mind, he transforms into this hideous thing and fights you.  And even after you beat that, he ascends to a further, more “heavenly” monster.  This is perfect, to me.  The fact that he becomes some kind of grotesque bastardization of what he once was, just because he wants to be the harbinger of doom for the Earth, follow in JENOVA’s footsteps, and call Meteor like the great evil thing he has become is fantastic. (I am ignoring the weird little last fight where he looks normal again.  That’s stupid.)

After those two paragraphs, one would probably think I just think Sephiroth is the bee’s knees.  Reader, if you think that, you are wrong.  Honestly, the things I mentioned about him, I love.  I really admire Squaresoft for throwing such great traits into that character, I do.  It took me a lot of thinking to realize this, but it’s true.  HOWEVER.  There are three things that spoil Sephiroth for me almost completely.

The first one, which is not the biggest one, is his weird obsession with Cloud.  I suppose to a certain extent, I get it.  He was supposed to be a failed clone of Sephiroth (I think–it’s been a while, this is one of those facts I’m not sure about) and yet he defeated him.  That’s gonna be a large blow to one’s ego.  However…by the time Sephiroth has been vanquished, he had pretty much stopped caring about anything but his goal.  He is never shown to be concerned with anything EXCEPT that, plus removing those that might be obstacles to him.  The fact that he is so fixated on Cloud, defeat aside, seems somewhat out of character to me.

Second.  Advent Children.  Now, remember.  I love Advent Children, I just think it’s wonderful.  Sephiroth, however, royally pissed me off.  However well he may have been animated…his voice was atrocious.  English voice, I never heard the Japanese one.  Sephiroth should sound absolutely insane.  He ACTS absolutely insane in FF7, he speaks the same.  But then AC rolls around and it’s like being DEAD for so long somehow gave him time to cool off or something, get his head together, and come back with a NEW VENGEANCE to kill Cloud, with his goal pretty much secondary, and a bizarrely calm demeanor.  It’s like he USED to be.  But he should still be crazy!  Being dead is not a cure-all for insanity!  (Also, I am just annoyed by how low his voice is.  What in God’s name possessed them?  I hate that voice.)

Thirdly, and most importantly.  FANGIRLS.  Sweet Jesus, everyone can just calm down.  Sephiroth is crazy.  He is not in love with Cloud (he obviously hates him, though we all know how I feel about that) nor Zack, nor any of the other ridiculous people in the PSP game.  He is not having quasi-incestuous relations with Kadaj, Loz, Yazoo, or all of the above–nevermind the fact that Sephiroth only returns in AC after JENOVA’s cells combine with Kadaj.  He does not care about anyone, save for perhaps JENOVA.  He is not OMG THE BEST LOLOLOL villain by any means.  Large sword, black trenchcoat, and silver hair a perfect villain does not make.  Yes, his backstory is fantastic and he is very powerful and delightfully psychotic.  But he is not the most unique character.  He is not the best just because he’s super hawt or anything.  If you’re going to call him the best villain, go by backstory and ability, not by appearance.  I mean, FFX’s Seymour is a huge creeper who is just an atrocity to look at–but his story is interesting and you just can’t help but hate him.  And isn’t that what a villain should really do?  Admire him for how well-written he is, or how well-designed, but hate him for who he is.  I notice a lot of fangirls just LOVING Sephiroth and not even taking note of the horrendous atrocities he commits.  Sephiroth is insane. He is downright evil, he is malicious, he is unfeeling and vengeful.  These are generally not words that accompany some adorable, smexy boytoy character that your fancharacter hooks up with.  Perhaps you could justify things before his mind got messed up–but really, would anyone want to be with a guy like Sephiroth?  Even before Nibelheim, he seemed stuck-up, cynical, and superior to everyone else.  I certainly wouldn’t like him.

So in conclusion.  Yeah, Sephiroth is a fantastic villain.  I love just how psychotic he is and how well it is portrayed.  But the fangirls and later games and media ruined him for me.  I can appreciate him, but he will always be tainted in my opinion.

Chocobos are a pain.  They really are.  For one, I know you need one to cross the marsh to get to the Mythril Mine  because the Midgar Zolom is annoying like that.  So I go to the ranch, a bit low on gil due to buying new weapons.  Alright.  So they tell me a Chocobo Lure is 2000 gil.  2000 gil for a plotline item.  That’s just irritating.  Plus the actual catching of the chocobo is annoying.  One has to earn enough money to buy greens, then make sure the chocobo doesn’t run away while you kill everything else on screen.  To someone who isn’t careful, this can be hell.  I remember trying to catch one for an hour the first time I played the game.  This time, it only took me one try, and that’s simply because I made sure to throw it a second green before it finished the first one, plus I had saved up a Limit Break to take out one of the enemies.  That, my friends, is called preparation.

Haha.  CPR…the newest hit minigame.  Seriously, what a bizarre thing for one to have to do in a video game.  I think this might be weirder than warming yourself when you’re climbing up the mountain later.  I am just tickled pink by the idea of a lung gauge.

I’m off to be a soldier next.

Is this obsessive?  Maybe a little.

Ahhh, wow.  Check out Don Corneo’s dungeon.  That…is just very kinky.  I am impressed, Squaresoft.
http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z127/hyperionwitch/4-1-kinky.jpg

Let me just chronicle the things Corneo will say to you if you are chosen.
“I just love chickies who play hard to get!  Yeowza!”
“You’re so cute, I never get tired of looking at you.”
Something about calling you pussycat.

Seriously, Squaresoft.  Corneo might be the creepiest character in this game.  He might even beat out Hojo.

Fortunately, he is thus deserving of the following threats if he doesn’t tell the group what he knows (Grace is Tifa, GUN is Cloud)
http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z127/hyperionwitch/4-1-poorcorneo1.jpg
http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z127/hyperionwitch/4-1-poorcorneo2.jpg
http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z127/hyperionwitch/4-1-poorcorneo3.jpg

Yet another thing I didn’t understand when I first played this.  Haha.

Wow, I forgot.  The music in this game…is perfect.  Okay, not perfect.  But some of it is very close.  The Shinra theme strikes me particularly.  It’s very…pseudo slummy, dark, it gives off a very organized crime kind of feel, while still having a sinister, foreboding kind of sound to it that seems deeper than just a mafia or a moralless corporation.  If there is one song from this game I had to choose as just fitting the whole game…I might honestly say it’s this one.

Now, here’s a unique boss fight.  Don Corneo drops you down into the sewers, where his big bad beastie decides to try to pummel you into the ground.  His main attack is called Sewer Tsunami, and it sends a wave of gross sewage water crashing over everyone on the field, the creature included.  The attack can either come from behind the creature or behind you, and it will do more damage to whichever party it hits first.  Firstly, this is a really interesting way of dishing out damage.  I mean…usually, bosses are just immune to their own attacks, even if they hit the whole screen.  Secondly, I am well pleased because, as luck would have it, it summoned the wave from behind itself 80% of the battle, and in fact dealt the final blow with his own move.  Excellent.

Wow.  Shinra…is an evil, evil place.  Just the fact that they were able to crush an entire sector of the city with no qualms at all…that’s terrifying.  I think one of the reasons I really like this game is because there’s a company that’s that evil.  It’s almost more horrifying that way.  I mean, you have to think of all the people killed…even the people who tried to fight the Shinra guards and the Turks as they set the bomb.  Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge are all encountered, slowly dying on the stairs up to the plate.  I can even ignore the fact that Wedge survived a fall from the top to a spot that isn’t really under where he fell from and was coherent enough to speak to you.  It’s just too tragic.

…I am both greatly saddened/horrified by what Shinra did…and tremendously admiring of the writers who created such a soulless company.

A golden shiny wire of hope.  This phrase sticks out in my mind from my first reading of the strategy guide.  I remember thinking it was kind of an odd title for it, seeing as it is not gold nor is it a wire, really–more like a cable.  But then again, I also find Barret’s enthusiasm and…choice of naming rather amusing in and of itself, so I’m not really complaining.

WOW, SQUARESOFT.  You have officially frustrated me.  I thought the “everyone push the button at the same time” timing thing earlier was annoying…and then I found the stupid “jumping onto a swinging bar” timing thing.  Cloud says some crap about jumping before it gets too close.  WHAT.  What does that even MEAN?  It’s swinging!  What’s “too close”??  I don’t even know where Cloud intends to land on said bar, so I can’t judge it by where the bar will be as he’s falling.  And he’s not really HELPFUL when you fall, he just says “jumped too soon…”  WELL GREAT.  Thank you for not giving me an idea of whether or not I was close or late rather than soon.  WHAT KIND OF THING IS THIS.  Do not even TELL me I have to look up a guide to get this right, this is ABSOLUTELY ABSURD.

WHAT.  Not OKAY, Squaresoft!  Do not have the character tell you to “jump before it comes too close” and then ACTUALLY program it to work when you JUMP WHILST IT’S DIRECTLY UNDER YOU, SWUNG AS CLOSE TO YOU AS POSSIBLE.  This is like when you are told to “attack when the tail is up” when fighting the first boss, when it will COUNTERATTACK YOU for MASSIVE DAMAGE if you attack when the tail is up.  TRANSLATION, people, it is important!

Now, the dialogue when you sneak into the Shinra building (as opposed to busting in through the front door) is DELIGHTFUL.  Honestly.  It’s hellishly tedious to run up all those stairs, but the bickering between Tifa and Barret really make up  for it.  Hence why I run up the stairs every time, regardless of whether or not I need training.

After a lot of terrible, terrible puzzles that I won’t discuss–except to say that after a ridiculous bout against a very difficult puzzle, Squaresoft shouldn’t have thrown in a deceptively common sense-based trial, that’s just trickery–I came upon Red XIII.  Now…Red XIII is just awesome.  Not only is he fantastic in terms of magic use, but personality-wise…he is great.  He’s just very calm and colleceted, but with a distinct sort of attitude.  I remember liking him the first time I played through.  Disappointingly, however, I found his voice and role in Advent Children were meager.  His voice made him sound fairly creepy, and he didn’t speak until the end.  At least Cait Sith–who pretty much did nothing but ride on Red’s back–got to argue with Yuffie rather prominently.  Poor, neglected Red XIII.

Now, you know who’s creepy?  Hojo.  Hojo is just one of the creepiest things on the planet.  Between his weird, bulbous forhead and stringy-looking hair, little opaque glasses and labcoat, he is the stuff of nightmares.  On top of that, he pretty much sees everything as a specimen, which is just unsettling.  When he talks about breeding Aeris to make a more resilient subject…ooh, it just gives me the creeps.

Unrelated note: Aeris kind of looks like your stereotypical vampire when she sleeps.  What’s up with that?
http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z127/hyperionwitch/4-2-aerisvampire.jpg

I haven’t yet had a chance to do my rant on Sephiroth–and I won’t, not until later–but I will say…that the aftermath of his break in at Shinra?  The dragging bloodstains on the floor, the scattered bodies, the gruesomely impaled President Shinra…that’s just picture perfect.  I am the first to say I am sucker for horrifying, crazy villains…and this kind of feat just makes that part of me overjoyed.

Now, Rufus, on the other hand…he is another story entirely.  Just the other night, I was discussing epic villains with a close friend and we got on the topic of Rufus Shinra.  That, my friends, is one evil bastard.  There is truly no other word to describe him.  He is manipulative, spoiled, rich, powerful, and he’s sexy.  He takes on Shinra like his father never did, building epic cannons and biting off more than he can chew just as cool and collected and confident as can be.  Even in Advent Children, he fools pretty much everyone.  As my friend put it, any villain who’s not only your enemy but ALSO the other villain’s enemy is just pretty awesome.

Also, isn’t it amazing that he pulls off the name Rufus?  I mean, that is not traditionally associated with, well, badassery.  However, there he is, lounging around with his sweet white trenchoat and slick blonde hair, smirking at everyone over the barrels of a sawed-off shotgun.  Come on, man.  He honors Rufuses everywhere.

Now, after a really botched motorcycle battle and a terrifyingly close boss fight, I am off to travel the world outside of Midgar.  At the moment, I have Cloud, Tifa, and Red as my party.  It’s off to Kalm I go.

I would like to see Cloud without his hair spiked.  Think of how uneven that would be.  Sure, the top spike is long…but after falling down the contour of the side of his head, it would only be chin-length-ish, as would most of the other spikes…but in back his hair is short.  And he has one delightful lock of hair that is way longer than chin-length.  Who cut his hair?  It’s not like he couldn’t afford a good hairdresser, he’s got gil.  No wonder he spikes it so oddly, he has to hide the shoddy layering job he tried to do.  “I just wanted to look trendy!”

I don’t understand the point of making little branches on maps that have nothing in them.  You go to the trouble of climbing up that bent I beam to get to the seat of some broken-down crane…only to find that it is a dead end and there isn’t even an item for your trouble.  You climb across some twisted metal to get to a discarded mech hand…and you can’t go anywhere once you get there.  It’s just a mech hand; it’s not a bridge to a different area, there’s no hidden item, it is literally just a mech hand.  Why, Squaresoft?  Why not put something, anything there after one risks precious moments, always in danger of battle, trudging across the slum landscape to what looks like a promising path?

The attention to detail in the design of the slums is really amazing.  I mean, it really looks like crap.  In a good way!  In the way it should.  There are pieces of paper glued to walls, broken streets, run-down machines, pretty much everything one could ask for.  I may be annoyed with weird useless paths…but look at what the paths are made of! Look at the detail they put into those crappy, useless places.  Only Squaresoft could really pull that off.

Alright, the playground in Sector 5.  I am certain the playground survived because fate wanted it to play into the story of the main characters.  I know it’s touched upon later, I just don’t remember what happened.  …But my illogical senses are tingling.  Aeris says “I can’t believe it’s still here.”  Neither can I.  It’s surrounded by crap.  Presumably things that fell from the surface, or broke, or were thrown there, or were vandalized.  And yet the playground is in nigh perfect condition.  Again, fate is playing some crazy role here–but it’s just too immaculate for me.  If they ever redid this game, it would be cool to see the playground a little more beaten up but still relatively intact.

Alright, Aeris running after Tifa when she passes them in Don Corneo’s weird carriage.  I like her here.  I could see her animated realistically, getting all excited for an adventure, all determined to go figure something out, jumping off of the slide and darting off after the carriage, despite Cloud’s irritated and worried protests..  A part of me really likes Aeris when she does things like this.  She’s not the stereotypical docile, white mage from Final Fantasy when she runs off like that.  Aeris actually stands up for herself.  She fights back (at least early in the game).  Maybe it’s ‘cuz I can kinda see myself in her–I would run off after Tifa in that situation.  I would run from the Turks, I would talk to the guy who fell through my ceiling and act all fluttery and talkative when he stuck around.  I might not be quite as brave as she is, but there’s enough similarity–or maybe admiration–that I can appreciate her.  The character herself is so outside the usual Squaresoft box that I can’t help but like her.  At least right now.

And so begins the process of dressing up Cloud as a woman.  There is just something iconic and hilarious about this portion of the game.  I mean, you are forced to run around to various places in a sleazy slum marketplace finding various places where you can get the components to make you just the prettiest girl you can be.  And there are so many odd people there–the gym leader guy who keeps wigs, the guy who wants something out of the vending machine, the weird people at the Honeybee Inn…  And all so you can doll yourself up and sneak into Corneo’s mansion.  And hopefully get picked…as his new bride.  I think this is one of those parts you can only truly appreciate when you’re older.  I played this game (i.e. read the strategy guide front and back) when I was in grade school and I just thought it was silly that you got to be a woman!  Now I look at it and think “good God how sleazy and delightful”.  I just love games and movies that seem one way when you’re younger and are shown to be totally dark or questionable or…just hilariously wrong.

I shall pick up at the quest for womanly possessions next.

I do like the pincer-style boss fight, though.  Granted, I wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention, I was distracted by Jim Gaffigan.  Hence, I didn’t really understand why mid-way through the battle, his turning mechanism stopped working or something and hi started firing bullets at me from his back instead of turning around and punching the crap out of my characters.  But I wasn’t really complaining, either.  I think, though, that it might have been executed a little better.  Like I said, I wasn’t paying very close attention, but his counter attack was weirdly done…he would sometimes turn and counter someone who wasn’t behind him?  It was very odd indeed.

Then I met Aeris.  Oh Aeris.  You’re so oddly bubbly.  The thing I think I find most unusual about her is that while she seems kinda nice and cool when you first meet her in the church and when you’re running from the Turks (side note: YES, I  just love Reno, what a fantastically hilarious jerkface…seriously, he’s my favorite), she grows very strange once you get to her house.  Like…I have a friend who always seems kind of awkward to me.  I don’t know what it is about her, but her personality is so strangely nice and very open or something that she just seems awkward, that’s the only word for it.  And maybe a little childish.  And that’s how I see Aeris, when she goes home and her mom is talking about how she doesn’t want to see her get hurt right after she skips up the steps all happily.  I don’t really know any better way to describe it, but it just strikes me very strongly in that scene.

I don’t remember if she gets more or less annoying after this.  I shall make note after further investigation.

Now I’m sneaking out of her house, waiting for her to obnoxiously pop up and tell me that she’s coming with me.  Why did Cloud agree to be her bodyguard anyway?  It’s not as if he cares about anyone at all.

Unrelated:  This is why I talk to all the people in each area, and visit each place.  (LOSE is Aeris in my game, just for future screenshot reference.)
http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z127/hyperionwitch/3-31-guyaresick.jpg

Now, I am once again trying my hand at the game with full intent to do EVERYTHING with as little help as possible (any completion I do will likely require a guide, though).  And I’m playing on my computer (which means the game will be a little choppy, I suppose).  It should be an adventure, and anyone reading will get to live it along with me, sarcastic comments, complaints, joys and triumphs included.

(NOTE: Since this is an outline of the whole game, there will be spoilers.  If you don’t want to know what happens in this game, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.  I am not going to censor myself.  I will try to make a note of this at the start of each post, so as to keep people from making a mistake.)

- – - – -

I actually started the game a few days ago, after struggling with the emulator and wrestling the configuration into something that would actually play on my computer (I blame Vista).  Thank God for the internet and people who know what they’re doing when it comes to gaming.

I decided to name all of the characters after my friends, but for the sake of convenience, I’ll use the actual given names here.

And let me just say; Cloud, for lack of a better word, is an asshat.  Seriously.  I had forgotten how much of a jerk he is.  He treats AVALANCHE like crap…and he’s just way less emo than he is in Advent Children.  I’m not sure which I prefer.  Generally speaking, I don’t really like the guy.  Probably not good to not like the main character, but I don’t really care.

Barret…has some serious dialogue issues.  Like, yes, I understand that he is essentially Mr. T.  I got it.  Burly black man.  But Squaresoft’s attempt to write his speech phonetically strikes me as…questionable.  I shall leave it at that.

Tifa seems alright, just a nice character.  She’s not terribly annoying, and she isn’t overly sweet or sappy like Aeris tends to be, just a normal young woman…running a bar…being a crazy radical…taking care of Marlene.  I am okay with these things.  I honestly kind of like her, though I don’t usually use her in battle.  I remember from my last game that she suffers, like the other two girls, from useless-female-characters syndrome.  Sure, you can use her in battle, and I’m sure if you try hard enough, she’s a viable character.  However, it’s overwhelmingly easier to use a party of the guys.  For the moment, she is forced to be in my party, which I don’t mind.  At early levels, she’s rather useful–especially as a mage.  I am looking forward to actually getting weapons and armor for her that will allow me to make a Cure-All combination (as it stands, I am using Barrett for curing, as he’s less powerful than Cloud and he has a linked weapon equipped).

I will say her unbelievable build and ridiculously short skirt with suspenders do bother me.  I mean, I’m a character designer, yeah, and I understand the value of making a character visually appealing whilst forsaking some practicality, so I appreciate the simplicity of the design.  But still.  No one should go into battle like that–or anywhere, really (not like all the characters are practically dressed or anything, but she is a stand-out example)–and no one should be built like that, no one that busty has such a tiny waist or legs or…anything.  Or shouldn’t.  She looks like she ought to snap forward or something, that can’t be good for her back.

I am off to blow up the Sector 5 reactor.